I love when kids say funny shit. It’s just hilarious to me to hear their little voices say such profound and entertaining nuggets. My five year old is no exception. In fact, I keep a running list on my phone of all the funny things her and her sister say and when I write them love letters a couple times a year and make sure to include their little gems. Here’s a favorite of mine from Lila and it’s a story my neighbors love.

We first moved into our new home a couple years ago. Lila was two and a half and I was pregnant with our youngest, Winnie. When you first buy a new house, there is often a checklist of tiny (and sometimes big) things that need repaired by the builder that you’ll notice when you first move in. Our experience buying with Century was no different. Most of the items were small like a piece of trim needing straightened out or some floorboards needing nailed down more. But as Vince and I sat discussing what else needed to be done, he said, “The crew said they can’t get someone out until next month!”

Well, I have a sailor mouth and not even thinking of the little ears in the next room, I said, “Those mother fuckers!” I immediately looked at Lila hoping she hadn’t really noticed what I had said since she was definitely in parrot mode where she’d repeat everything. She was still playing with her stuffed animals and seemed like she didn’t even hear what I said so I moved on.

A few days later, my dad and stepmom came to babysit Lila so Vince and I could have a date night. My dad has as bad of a mouth as I do but my stepmom is a little more proper. Lila was jumping on the couch (because that’s the kind of household I run) and was really excited to see my dad as he walked in. My dad went to give her a hug hello and she farted and immediately said, “Sorry Gampa Mike.” (She wasn’t great at saying grandpa yet.) He said, “Sorry for what honey?” And she deadpans, “That it smells like toots mother fucker!” Thank God my dad laughed, but I’m pretty sure my stepmom was re-thinking her life choices. Anyhow, leave me some gems your kids have said so I don’t feel like the worst mother on the planet!